(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!!)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it corn for awhile, kill it and then eat it.
The first step in this adventure was to get a deer. Well, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and don't seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the rope thingy before, stayed way the hell back. They weren't having any of this s**t.
About 10 minutes later, my deer showed up -- 3 of em. I picked out a good candidate, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then ..I received an education!!
The first thing that I learned.
Lesson Number 1:
While a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That sumabitch deer EXPLODED!!!
The next thing that I learned.
Lesson Number 2 :
Pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no F#%$ing chance!!!
That thing ran and bucked, twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and sure as hell, no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other critters.
A few minutes later (10), it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a while to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. But suddenly, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that four legged sumabitch off the end of my rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
You do realize that there was no love at all between me and that F...ing deer. I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
Lesson Number 3:
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that. So I was very, very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Sumabitch!!
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD ..and it HURTS like hell!!!
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was most likely only several seconds.
I, Mua, Me; being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my next to last lesson in "Deer Behavior" for the day.
Lesson Number 4:
Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
Sumabitch!!!! They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. Kinda like going to a gun fight with a pen knife.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, it is best to make a loud noise and make act aggressive. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. Bad Ju-Ju!! This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a bitch and ran. No, no, no, F$%#ing no!!!! Yup, I did!
I had always been told NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you, cuase there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Well Deer ain't so F$%#ing different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run , it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it don't leave. I suspect it doesn't recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. And yes it tried to have its way with me.
Well in my disheveled and mangled state I finally managed to crawl under the truck. And after leaving his scent (another way of saying he pissed) on all four of my tires, the fenders and my
bumpers ...Mr. Deer went away.
Finally!
Lesson Nimber 5:
Now I know why folks go deer hunting with a rifle and a scope. So they can be somewhat equal to the Prey...
I do believe there is a Country song in here somewhere.
Name and address with held
